Judged Again

About this time last year, some fucking bitch judged me and tried to get me fired for mistakes like typos, when in fact, she was guilty of that which she accused me of. In the end, she's the one that left and HR never even received her complaint.

This year, i get judged again for having no responsibilities when in truth, i work 5 jobs, have 3 sons, a wife, and a very active rock n roll band. Again, an unfair judgement made in blindness by people that only see one side of a story and have no idea what was really going on nor which responsibilities I had assumed. 

Worthy to mention is that it was suggested that I had mentioned to turn over a dirty diaper of one of my children in order to use again rather than to go and purchase new diapers. Seriously, what the actual fuck?

It's stories like these that have reminded me of conversations I've had with friends in the passed about people who have likewise done them wrong. They have chosen to take the high road and simply block these people out of their lives rather than retaliating or stooping to their level of ignorance and false sense of righteousness to even speak in a black and white format when in fact there are tons of grey areas that they have no idea even exist. 

My Dead Parents Are Back

So, in 2003, my Mom died. It was the saddest day of my life, and I was truly broken. She died in the hospital, and our plan was to have her cremated before beginning day 1 of her wake. I rode with her lifeless body in an ambulance from Makati Medical Center to a crematorium somewhere in Quezon City. The ride took over an hour and there was no joy for me, except that these would be my final moments with her physical body.

The cremation took maybe 2 hours. I walked around the tombstones and watched the sunset while waiting for her ashes to be put into the niche that we bought her. When it was done, a man there said that a titanium piece was found in the tray where her body lay. I recognized it as the mitral valve heart transplant she had had a few years before and kept it. I turned it into a pendant to be worn on a necklace and kept it very close and dear to me for years to come.

Then, I lost it. I tend to do that, lose things, no matter how dear they are to me. And i give myself a break every time i lose something and chuck it to the fact that they're all just things, material possessions. But I was really sad about it. A part of my Moms heart was hanging from my neck for a few years and it helped me feel really close to her, and now it was gone.

Fast forward to February 15, 2016, a Monday morning, as I was getting ready for work, I looked at our bookshelf and saw it. I couldn't believe it was it. I mean, this necklace had never even seen Rhea's house as far as i'm concerned. Or if it did, it was while we were dating and never since I had moved in. So how did it get there?

I don't think i'll ever have an answer that explains that, except for the fact that I believe that my Mom and Dad are visiting.

They've visited before. On my Dads last birthday, Rhea had said that Miq was making faces and talking to a corner in the room and when I joked that maybe that way my Dad, she suddenly seemed to agree that the suggestion may actually be accurate. There have also been other episodes when I felt their presence and didn't doubt that it was them. Sometimes just one of them, sometimes both.

But this time it's different. I believe that both Mom and Dad are here and are visiting. Not just coming for a quick hi hello and then be gone. No. This time, I think they might be hanging around until Moms death anniversary, which is March 5. Mom would have left us 13 years ago, and Dad 11. I like numbers and have always believed that the numbers 11 and 13 have powers. I wonder if they're somehow connected?

In any case, none of that matters. What does matter, is that I believe these to be true and I welcome their visit! More than anything, i'm so happy that they're here! I want to show them the kids, and Rhea, and to show them how much Sage has grown and into the kind of man he is!

And more than anything, I always tell people who have lost loved ones, that what makes it easier is to continue a relationship with them, even if they have passed. I did that for a long time, but feel as if i've forgotten how to continue doing that. Perhaps now is the perfect opportunity to find my way back into that relationship.

I love you Mom and Dad. Please stick around and enjoy your stay. I love you forever!

Dad's Car Brings Back Emotional Memories

Today, while driving to work, I spotted my dad's old car on the road. It brought me a few fond memories of times I had with him.

One of the first was when he had first bought the car. Shortly after he did, I suggested that he break it in and when he asked me what I suggested. I said "let's go gambling in Tagaytay!" It wasn't the biggest surprise but it was a surprise no less, he said "let's go!"

I can't remember if we went that same night or a few nights later, but we went. Had a great chat on our way there, spent P500 each and lost it almost immediately on slot machines. In the end, we weren't there for very long and got back into the car to head home. On our way, we decided to buy mom something from Whistle's Top and went to the Eastwood branch, you know the one that was outside on C5? It's no longer there.

Anyway, what I remember the most from that trip was that we had heart to heart conversations and were able to break down a few barriers in our relationship. I admitted things to him that I had previously denied, and he shared a bunch of things as well, including how he felt about mom being sick and how he wishes some things could have been otherwise.

I also remember bumping that car! That was a bad one and he got really mad at me. I don't even know why I took it. I had the Civic to use but for one reason or another, used that car instead and while fighting with Rhea on our way home from Capones, drunk, I ran a light and hit another car. I ended up driving the car home and the next day, when I woke up, he was so mad at me that he couldn't talk to me. I fixed all the work that needed to be done for the insurance but that didn't change how disappointed he was at me. And I certainly don't blame him.

After that, even when Monica had owned the car after dad died, I was upset with her for bumping it. I guess you could call it my protectiveness over the car. Then when she sold it for dirt cheap, again I was upset with her, but then again, it's not like she really could've gotten more for it.

I miss my dad. I think about him a lot and often wonder if he'd be proud of the man i've come to be. I think he'd be pleased with me in terms of my being a husband and father, but all in all, in general, I still wonder if i'd make him proud.

It's going to be his death anniversary in a just under 3 weeks. It's been 11 years and though i'll never completely get over it, i'm better able to deal with his physical absence.

I love you pops! I can think of no better father than you.

Do you have any stories you'd like to share about road trips with your dead parents?

The Struggle To Find Good Help

Q's yaya was fired yesterday. My wife had actually spoken to her yesterday morning and had arranged that she leave today, but while yesterday was happening, my Mother In Law told that yaya to just leave already.

She'd been fucking up around the house by not really doing her job and was obviously not helping when all the other maids were busy with things like helping out with dinner, and somehow her repeated lack of action just broke the camels back.

I know, first world fucking problems right? But hey, when you and your wife have full time jobs, and you have two kids at home, and you live in a country where it's normal to have help, these things are worth considering and indeed affect your life.

The hunt for a new yaya continues...

Sleeping Next To Q

Q is one of the sweetest children I have ever come to know. Every night, we share a bed and spend the whole night hugging while we sleep. I think the only times I slept better was when my wife and I shared a bed without any children in it.